In July 2018, I was a single mom to a 7- month old baby boy in an exciting, new relationship with a great guy. I had recently removed my IUD due to it causing me problems, and within a couple of weeks, I found myself pregnant. I was terrified because although I loved my son very much, I had a traumatic birthing experience with him. I was totally dependent on my mom financially, and my new boyfriend was a care-free 22-year old with no children of his own. I knew he wouldn’t want to have a baby with me after only a couple months of dating.
Being raised as a conservative Christian, I always knew abortion was wrong, and I never thought I would consider it as an option, but there I was, terrified, devastated, and embarrassed at my irresponsibility. I told my boyfriend that I was pregnant, and considering abortion, and he told me he would support whatever decision I made. After a few torturous days, I made an appointment with planned parenthood. At that appointment, I was given an ultrasound, and confirmed to be about 6 weeks along. My experience with the staff at planned parenthood was not a great one. They were all very cold and uncaring, which I guess should be expected from an abortion clinic. After being given the different abortion options, I decided on the “abortion pill” which at the time I viewed as an “easy way out.”
One week later, I returned to planned parenthood and spoke with the clinic doctor, where he confirmed that I wanted to take the pills, and explained the process of how they work, and how they would affect my body. He told me that there was nothing to worry about, that I would have “some bleeding, and possibly clotting”, and that complications resulting from pills were rare, I believed him.
The next day, at home alone with my infant son, I took the abortion pills. Within one hour I knew that everything the doctor had told me was a lie. I was bleeding so heavily, I believed I was dying. I was passing clots the size of baseballs, and I was in the worst physical pain of my life, worse than childbirth. The worst part of my experience was when I was sitting on the toilet and I felt myself pass a clot that felt strange. I looked into the toilet and saw my baby. It had a head, body, and tiny arms and legs. The shame and guilt that I felt at that moment, as I was forced to flush my aborted baby down the toilet, is impossible to describe.
Eventually the physical affects of the abortion had diminished, but I was left with a crippling depression in private, and forced to pretend that I was okay in public, since no one in my life, besides my boyfriend knew of my abortion. About 3 weeks later, I woke up from a nap covered in blood, and still bleeding. I rushed to the ER where I was informed that my body had not passed all of my former pregnancy. A doctor used several giant q-tips to scrape my insides, and I had weekly visits to my OBGYN after that to confirm that my HCG levels were steadily going down.
After healing from my complications, I was still drowning in shame, and depression. Months later, my boyfriend and I were still together, we had moved in together, and he had taken on the role of dad to my son. He didn’t seem to be burdened by our awful decision to have an abortion, but I still was. I thought that if I had another baby, it would help me heal and that’s exactly what I did. I gave birth to my second son in September 2019. And although he is such a blessing to my life, and to our family, he was of course not able to fill that void.
Soon after his birth I finally re-dedicated my life to Christ. I cried out to God, and through tears, begged him to forgive me for murdering my baby. He was faithful to forgive and has removed my shame and replaced it with an intense passion to speak out against the evil that is abortion. I am now a happily married, devoted mother of two. I feel a burden to reach out to women who may be in similar situations as I was, and to help them to understand that abortion is never the answer. My ultimate goal is to open my own pro-life pregnancy center in my hometown one day. My loving, righteous, almighty God has turned my bad decision, depression, and shame into my testimony, and that’s why I’m silent no more!