I had the first abortions because of pride. I didn't want to be another statistic, another poor, single black woman who just kept having babies by different deadbeat men. The next abortions I wanted to protect the father of my babies, who was my pastor at the time.  I was more concerned with his reputation even more than my own. The final abortion was probably mostly out of shame at once again getting pregnant by someone who wasn't concerned with me or his baby. And by that time, it was so easy to just go solve the problem - all by myself. 

During the abortions I had a mix of emotions of pity for the other women and girls who were there and at the same time judgement. I wonder if any of them felt the same way towards me. I remember little about the procedures. I was very good at disconnecting myself from what I was doing and focusing on just breathing to stay calm and not make any kind of connection with anyone there. No eye contact. No smile of greeting. I felt afraid someone who knew me would see me there or coming or going from the clinic. Immediately after the abortions I guess I felt relief it was over. Again, there was the fear of discovery. I went so far as to rent a room in a crummy hotel to recover all alone after the fifth abortion. 

As time went on after each abortion I continued to be promiscuous, seeking love from men who really didn't care about me. It became easier and easier for me to place less value on human life. I also experienced rage that would come out of really no where. I had no idea it was related to the fact that I'd aborted my first 5 children. 

There were times when I would be despondent and just ride the trains all night. Other times I would contemplate suicide. When I finally birthed my last two sons, I would discipline them so harshly and get unreasonably mad at them. Again - I didn't realize until later that was related to the fact that I valued life so little after multiple abortions. 

After I started feeling God delivering me, a counselor suggested I seek healing specifically from the abortion experiences so I began researching organizations after hearing an abortion survivor's story on the radio. I had already given my testimony in front of my Sunday school class because I knew that my children couldn't have died in vain and that someone needed to hear that God could heal even from such a messed up story as mine. 

By the time I found Surrendering the Secret - a Bible study on healing from the heartache of abortion - I wanted to not just take the class to be sure I was healed but begin leading it at my church because abortion statistics don't stop at the church doors. I want to see women set free from the shame and guilt and bondage that has been lifted off of me by my Savior Jesus Christ. I am forever grateful that he has forgiven even this and has given me and my children in heaven a purpose through our pain and that is why I am silent NO MORE!!!