I had an abortion when I was 39 years old because I was ashamed, embarrassed and didn’t want my relationship with the man I was living with to fail. He didn’t seem to be interested in having a child and asked me “what are you going to about it?”.
I called the abortion clinic but they told me I had to wait until I was at least 8 weeks pregnant. That was at least another 6 weeks. I panicked because I knew that if I felt that first flutter, I wouldn’t be able to have the abortion. I was a divorced/single parent so I knew the first “flutter” from my pregnancy with my son. I didn’t feel it.
When I entered the abortion clinic and filled out the paperwork, the lady who reviewed it saw my age and said “39 years old...you know what you’re doing.”. Wrong I didn’t know. I was just another number. Herd them in and herd them out. That’s how I felt. I don’t remember very much other than knowing I was on the table, with my feet in stirrups, the sound of the vacuum (which I still remember today) and that my baby was in something that was down near my left foot. I sat in a chair right after the abortion and then, casually, went to lunch with my friend who took me to the clinic. I was relieved but I treated it as if it was an everyday occurrence. No big deal.
I just continued with life. My relationship with the father ended, I stopped drinking and partying and realized that my 5 years in that relationship with the father were the darkest 5 years of my life. I just ignored my abortion. It was just another bad decision among many bad decisions in my relationship.
Right before COVID, I read a book in a Christian-ladies book club that was about a lady who had an abortion. She named her baby and memorialized her baby. The band aid was coming off my wound and I just sat and sobbed. Even then, I didn’t realize how deep the wound was until I decided to volunteer with a pregnancy crisis center.
I want to share how God worked in my life with my healing. I filled out the application to volunteer at the center. I called my preacher to let him know that the director of the center might call him for a reference. He then told me that there was a lady in our church who wanted to begin an abortion after care recovery program for woman who had an abortion, would I be interested in talking with her. Of course, I said. This was the first time I had ever heard of an abortion aftercare recovery program. Oh, how God works. I am now volunteering at the crisis pregnancy center, and I am completing Forgiven and Set Free.
I have found forgiveness not only from our God, but I have found forgiveness for me. 31 years after my abortion I have found forgiveness and I will be silent no more.