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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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Living Every Day
California, United States

I was 22, a senior in college, and in a bad relationship filled with drugs and verbal abuse.  I was in a bad place, yet my studies were going well, and I was ready to graduate into the next chapter of life. I was on a mission in life and nothing was going to stop me.  I came from a strong Catholic family and having any issues was not to be shown to outsiders.  I had an abortion for many reasons.  I didn't want to interrupt what I had going with school and my plan for life, I didn't want this child to have anything to with his father, I felt my life would be 18 years of hell and custody battles, I felt my parents would kill me, and I was very embarrassed. 

Prior to my abortion, God gave me signs for me to not do this.  When shopping for clinics, I accidently called a day care center with children playing in the background.  I had many lovely dreams of my baby and life with a child.  They were nice dreams.  On my way to the abortion, we nearly slid off an off ramp in a snowstorm. 

I recall being in the waiting room and seeing mostly young women such as myself with their female friends.  I recall seeing one young girl there with her parents.  I was disgusted that I saw no men there (besides the one father).  I hated men at that moment.  I filled out my paperwork.  They called me in and I laid on the table.  I made sure that I would be under general anesthesia during the procedure.  I recall the doctor coming in, and he was so cold.  No personality.  I was eight weeks pregnant.  I would have done it sooner, but I had to wait according to the clinic.  I looked at my child as a "thing", like a tumor that I wanted removed.  I knew it was a baby though.  I think I had my legs in the stirrups when I was put under.  I recall waking up in a fetal position on the table crying hysterically.  I was naked from the waist down and completely humiliated.  A nurse came in and was cold as well saying something like, "Are you okay?" in a very snarky way.  She cleaned up a bit and left.  Another came in and offered a bit more comfort.  I left and my friend (who also had a prior abortion) and I met up with a friend at a diner.  I recall she asked me how I was feeling, and I think I recall saying I felt relieved.  I pretended like it was nothing and continued eating my meal.  I then walked home in a blizzard because I wanted to be alone.  I got back to my room to nap, and I get a call and it was my Mom.  The only person I told in my family was my brother, who was against it.  My mom wondered why I was napping and then proceeded to scold me for napping the middle of the day.  I remember saying to her "If you knew what kind of day I had, you would know why I was napping!"  We hung up on each other. 

After the abortion, I told the father what had happened.  He had no idea I was pregnant.  I hated him and wanted him to have nothing to do with this decision.  He was alarmed when I told him, and he came over to my dorm room.  He wasn't in college.  I was so angry with him, and I don't recall him condemning me.  But we got into a fight, and I told him we are done and to get out.  That ended that.  I had no trust in men....in fact, I hated them.  My drug use stopped for a bit but, when I got out of college, it got worse.  I was clubbing all the time and just didn't give a damn about anything.  I finally saw where my life was going, and I decided I needed a change of pace, so I moved to CA.  I never touched another drug again.

I never really thought about my abortion or had any regrets until maybe four years ago.  I was engaged and living a good life.  I came back to the church.  After getting married, my longing for a child became more.  This is when it all began to surface.  I attended a Rachel's Vineyard retreat and I found forgiveness in my decision.  After the retreat, I wrote a letter to my 22 year old self and that was healing.  There are still days I wake up wanting to beat myself up over this, but I do all I can within my power to stop those thoughts.  I am still working on forgiveness for myself.  I recently told my parents.  It took years to do that.  Not easy.

And this is why I am silent no more!  I would never wish this on my worst enemy.  It's a decision that I have to live with every day.  I now mourn the month it occurred and his birthday month.  Mother's Day is hell for me.  I want to share my pain with others, not to burden them, but to show the reality of abortion.  I am Pro-Life and Pro-Women! And I am silent no more!


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