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Healing the Shockwaves of Abortion


Do You Regret Your Abortion or Your Lost Fatherhood? By filling in the form below you can add your expression of regret to our list. All information remains confidential and is presented anonymously

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I Can Still See the Baby
Illinois, United States

I was abandoned by my parents at age 18 months and sexually abused by my adoptive father, between age 7 through 13.  I began to be promiscuous shortly after the abuse began at home.  I guess I was seeking love.  I know it's a rather strange response to the abuse.  I felt I was in control by having sex with whomever I wanted but, in retrospect, I realize I was in bondage, wanting to be loved, but trained or programmed to submit and afraid to say "no". 

The first pregnancy I planned with my boyfriend.  We wanted to get married and have the baby.  He signed up for the Army.  We didn't tell ANYONE until I was 6 months+ pregnant.  When my adopted mother found out she said “no.”  She'd raised all the children she was going to raise, and I felt I had to go along with the abortion.  She paid for my education from 1st grade through college.  I felt indebted to her to finish my education.  The first was the worst because it was a saline injection induced abortion.  The injection was given shortly after I arrived at the hospital, but the actual abortion occurred during the middle of the night.  I was alone in a hospital room and thought I was going to the bathroom.  Actually, I gave birth to the dead fetus in my hands over the toilet (I've never said that part to anyone).  But it was so traumatic.  I rang for the nurse, and she came, wrapped up the baby, and walked out.  No emotion.  No concern.  No acknowledgement that that was my BABY.   I was left alone for the rest of the night then sent home the next day. To this day (I was 15 then and am almost 60 now) I can still see the baby and feel the hurt at losing my 1st child. 

For years I would commemorate the birthday that would have been and often think how old my children would be had they been allowed to live.  I used to wish that my children had somehow escaped death and were alive somewhere. Now I look forward to being introduced and reunited with them in Heaven one day.  I have one daughter that I gave birth to when I was 38 years old - my first child would have been 23 when my daughter was born.  I so wished that my daughter could have had and known siblings. 

I had recently started my walk with the Lord a few years before she was born.  I don't remember exactly when I realized that abortion was a form of murder but that Christ died for my sin.  I had to forgive my mother, the fathers, and myself.  I learned that God has forgiven me upon my receiving Christ as my Savior.  What a glorious relief and blessing to know that God is merciful and Jesus saves.  And that's why I am silent no more.


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